So tomorrows the day. The day I have to face my Dr. and ask what's wrong with me.

Irritatingly (strange to say irritatingly) I've had a good day - so I feel that seeing my Dr. is irrelevant.

But when I start my day hugging the toilet, and having a breakdown. I guess there's still a reason to go. Maybe the breakdown gave me some form of release?

I still have no appetite mind, so I probably should let them know about that. I guess just telling someone face to face will be good for me. I do not want to be seen as a time waster though, and as a pathetic person. I'm not going to lie, I'm terrified at what she is going to say.

Fact of the matter is, I know I haven't been myself for the last two years. Talking to a friend earlier, one who I met at University, and I told him it's ridiculously hard meeting people when you're really shy. He laughed. A lot. Shy is not one of the words he would use to describe me. When I look back to who I was then, and who I am now... they are two completely different people. I would like the old me back....

It amazes me also, the different emotions I can feel. My blog last night "nighttime darkness" shows an angry me. One that I still cannot get used to. Reading over it this morning, I felt embarrassed, and my first instinct was to delete it. But I'm not going to. I want to remember every emotion and feeling I went through.... and if I want someone who may be reading this to learn something... they're not going to learn anything if I delete all of my darkest moments.

A few years ago - I remember being ill. I had a weighty feeling in my chest, like in the centre, as if I'd swallowed bread too large, and it was stuck - we've all been there right? I went to the Dr. and was told my stomach was creating too much acid. I remember being convinced the Dr. was wrong and that I was dying of a heart condition, or I wouldn't make it through to morning for having a heart attack in the night. I would set numerous alarms through the night to ensure I was still alive..... when I look back now, the feeling I had then, was the same weighty feeling as I am experiencing now. My first thought is that it's due to anxiety. Something I will be bringing up with my Dr. tomorrow.

But for now, I am completely drained. I'm attempting sleep now. I began to dread night times too. For all these angry feelings. I pray they don't return tonight. I need sleep.