Happy 2017 everyone!!!!

While I dont believe in making new year's resolutions because I think it puts too much pressure on us to change just because everybody else is and also I don't think people should use the new year as an excuse to change the things about themselves that they don't like or they think could be better, I do believe that a new year also means, not a clean slate, but a new page.

If a new year meant a clean slate that would effectively negate the things we've done in the past, both good and bad, and that's the opposite of what i want to do. Instead, much like in a book, I want to use the mistakes and achievements of the past (some of which I will go into later and are actually the point of this post) as a springboard into making positive changes in my life. I want to decide where my life will go based on things that I've already done, just like an author can dictate a character's path based on their previous actions.

One of the best and most important things I did in 2016 was tell my co-worker and best friend that I like her. It was the most poorly-timed thing I've ever done in my life (and that includes that time I laughed during a funeral). I was drunk, she was drunk, she had a girlfriend, I was drunk, we were sat outside a bar at 2am freezing, I was drunk. Did I mention I was drunk? I was absolutely smashed, I had work in 4 hours, I'd been in a fist fight the day before which had affected my mood, and my ability to hold a glass for too long, and when a drunken idiot walked past us and pointed at my friend (at the time) and announced, "I think you're proper fit", my brain checked out and left me with one single piece of advice. Be honest. What came out of my mouth next is the one word that most people in my generation will relate to using in the most out-of-context ways imaginable as a form of humour, but unfortunately for me it was 100% accurate.

"Same", I had said.

"Same." Same. I'll never live it down. What followed was not me laughing it off and saying "of course I think you're fit you're my best friend" instead I blurted out my most awkward emotional sentiments and the most drunken fashion imaginable. I mean in any other case I wouldn't be too bothered but Christ, I'm a Slytherin, I'm meant to be better at this. I went full on Gryffindor and we argued about our feelings for each other for a good 2 hours. Okay it was 20 minutes in the taxi home but it was the longest 20 minutes of my life. I got romantic advice from a taxi driver who told me he'd been single for the past 8 years. I couldn't believe that 20 years of life had led up to that point.

Anyway flashforward a good few months, past the most hurrendously awkward situation in which me and her sit down at the pub together to a have a Serious Conversation about our Feelings, only for two of our managers to come round the corner, spot us and come sit with us for FIVE LONG HOURS while I'm slowly getting drunker and drunker and ready to just drown my self in my pint, and here we are.

I'm now in a very happy relationship with someone who loves me and understands my need for independence and encourages me to be a better person emotionally (also she broke up with her girlfriend not long after finding out I like her so we are not bad people). We've told each other we love each other, for which she made fun of me so much because the first time I said it was the entrance to the toilets at our favourite bar (another moment I will never live down) and now we've gotten to the point where I genuinely breath a sigh of relief when she texts me after a long period of being quiet cause it means she's not mad at me.

And here's the part where the lows come in. My brain hates me. I am paranoid. I have anxiety and paranoia and sometimes I can barely deal with having close friends nevermind a girlfriend. My girlfriend is a very emotionally open person, not afraid to talk about being upset or sad or angry and not afraid to be affectionate and happy. I am not one of those people. Sometime's I'm ignorant to the way other people feel. It's not intentional. I tend to gloss over my own feelings so much that I worry that I'm accidentally doing it to other people.

Anyway, I want to talk about a very specific scenario that happened. I message my girlfriend to tell her I'm hyped about a possible Charmed reboot. She's active according to the little message at the top, but hasn't read my message. It's been a few minutes that's not a big deal, she has a lot of friends, is a busy person and has a lot of irons in the fire (it's a homestuck reference I am tired and sorry) so I don't pay it any mind. I'm also messaging some friends at this point. It's my birthday soon and I want to organise something. Again. All active, no replies. By 15 minutes I'm like, ok maybe she's left her phone open and is doing something else. Napping, cooking, watching crappy teen films on Netflix. By an hour I have convinced myself that she hates me because she's not been feeling good today and I'm being insensitive for just harping on about trivial bullshit. I'm like 30 seconds away from texting all of our mutual friends and asking them if she's okay when she replies. I'm starting to understand what people mean when they say they're "flooded with *insert emotion here*". The relief that I got when she text me back just as hyped about charmed and not with a "I really don't want to talk right now" literally filled me up. I have never been so happy to just continue a mundane conversation about a show about witches.

So aswell as talking to her, I spend the next 20 minutes kind of berating myself but also laughing at myself for being so worried, and also thinking about that overwhelming rush of feeling I get from just talking to her about little things. I also start thinking about my not-a-new-years resolution that I'd made about making myself more open to the people close to me, and how to do that it starts with talking to my girlfriend about the big emotional rollercoaster that the past hour and a half just sent me on, and making the effort to maintain bonds and friendships with people I don't see all the time, because the feeling I got when I thought she was ignoring me was the worst feeling in the world and I don't want anyone else to feel that way about me.

There was an upside to this though. That big rush of charged emotions that I felt when she texted me back, triggered a realisation. I really, honestly love my girlfriend so much, and I know that because of that I'm going to have more of these ups and downs and I have never been more excited about anything else.