We all know them. The person who appears to relish what they perceive as their troubles.

In fact, they wear their unhappiness with pride. If you dare to say that you have a migraine, well, they will tell you that they once had a migraine that lasted a week! They can always out-do you. You know someone like this, don't you?

Some find the construction to work each day unbearable. Some just don't like the weather, because even if it's sunny right now...it's going to rain later this week.

Some cannot let go of grievances from decades ago. Or they might carry the burden of a childhood battle on the playground. They wear these "injustices" like a badge of honour. And you keep hearing about those inflictions over and over and over.

They do not acknowledge when you are tired or injured or worried. Their problems or anticipation of difficulties is much more concerning than yours. Why don't they ask how you are doing? Could it be that they just don't want to know? Yes, they might be sad but they are also selfish. They believe that the world does indeed revolve around them.

They whine and complain, they do not resolve. They discuss and re-hash and then share again. They do not want your help. All they want is airspace.

They can be boring. Their conversations and gossip are relentless, the stories are frivolous and shallow.

And they often find each other. These people are called brooders in Emotional Agility: Get Unstuck, Embrace Change, and Thrive in Work and Life . In it, Susan David describes the characteristics of brooders as those who believe that "venting sessions will make us feel better", but often there is no resolution or forward motion and hence they end up being more annoyed, angry, frustrated.

They are difficult to work with, to live with, to meet occasionally, to have in your family. Because their story doesn't change.

They are stuck.

They will suck your energy dry and chip away at your momentum to accomplish. They will ridicule your determination. They don't want to listen, they only want to wallow. It is safe being a victim because you don't need to do anything more.

The world will constantly give you a wide variety of chances to be one of them. Do. Not. Do. It.

Look for someone who has Accepted Wisdom! They rarely stand out, they go about their business and make things appear easy. They have a different kind of story. They might have lost their possessions and their country or they might have lost a limb. They have definitely had something to whine about and yet they don't. Why is that?

It is a constant debate in staff rooms and around family dinners as to why some folks can live in resilience and others do not. Here's my observation. The Happy Victim who struggles each day often feels that they were not given the secret juice at birth to be resilient. However, the person who has Accepted Wisdom will be able to tell you the points in their lives when they consciously chose to make a better decision, the decision to rise above the circumstance they were handed.

Because let's face it, most of us did not get the career, marriage, extended family, financial success, health or house that we had initially planned. And we still carry on.

The best response in all situations is to still live a good life. Something that the Happy Victim will likely never achieve.


We all have a default. Do we lean toward Happy Victim or Accepted Wisdom? (Tweet This)

Is resiliency a secret juice or can you choose it? (Tweet This)


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