I guess I sort of figured
That after a month of being here
I’d have somehow made
At least a few friends


Instead it seems
Like we only have each other
In this lonely part of the country
Where everyone seems older
Or further away
Or just not
Here


And so I’m finding myself
Frustrated
Stir crazy
Deflated
And wishing someone
Anyone
Was here


And as each week goes on
And my search remains unfruitful
I wonder if this year will be a lonely one
Whether it’ll just be us two
Without anyone to tell my problems to
Without what I need
To feel
Somewhere could be
Our home


And it’s taking longer than anticipated
To feel that this is right
That we are happy here
That this next step we have taken
Is one that is so exciting
Because we’ve managed to make a life
And instead we feel that
The life we have before is being taken
Without anything to replace it
So we are struggling to fill
The holes in our hearts
And yes we have one another
But we now share part of our soul
So the other half feels more poignant
And whilst he seems to be breathing
I feel like I’m recycling air

And I’m angry and frustrated
Because things aren’t how I’d imagined
Because I thought I’d be fine
Because I miss my family
And those we’ve left behind
And I find him being there always somehow hard
And yet comforting
And yet he makes half me feel complete
Whilst leaving the other half feeling increasingly empty
Because he seems ok with his half a soul but I want a whole one

And I’m rambling
And I know this makes only half sense
But I’m wanting his security
I want him to ask me
So I have that indefinitely
But right now I’m seeing a foggy future
Where I think I know the way
But I have to rely on him to clear the path
And he’s not doing it
And I can’t help but think
That perhaps I know why

That perhaps it’s because by asking me those words I know I should hear
He knows that half of his soul he’s so happy to keep as is
Will be challenged
And chipped away
And it’s safer to not go there

But for me it’s exhausting
Because I’m wondering why not
I’m wondering what’s the hold up
I wonder if he’s not sure
And I hate wondering
And not knowing
Because I need that certainty right now
I need that definite right now
I need to breathe right now
Because this foreign place
Is leaving me yearning
For a life that is slipping away
One that I had loved to live
But had be ready to trade for the one I have now
But this new one is crushing me
Not lifting me
And depression has become a familiar face once again
And I’m not me when he’s around.



But I’ve not been me for a month now
How can I be
Whilst my new life just takes from me
And my old life slips from me
And the one who I share it with
Is leaving me blind
Wondering
Was I right
To leave my old life behind?