The Pentagon announced that a U.S. fighter jet has shot down a “high-altitude object” in Alaskan airspace Friday, marking the second such encounter in a week after the plodding cross-country flight by a suspected Chinese spy balloon. Officials say the object was roughly the size of a car, making it much smaller than the Chinese airship shot down Saturday.

Well then, I guess when it comes down to shooting down “unidentified high-altitude objects,” size doesn’t matter. Gee, I wonder what the hell it was that was flying so high above Alaska? The way I see it, it could only be one of two things - Elon Musk’s car, or Sarah Palin’s ego. We can only hope it wasn’t Santa, on some kind of a test run. Otherwise, Christmas ’23 is all shot to hell.

Meanwhile, Republicans are up in arms about the matter, first complaining about the cost of shooting it down, and then claiming President Biden shot the thing down way too soon. Now, while I’m certainly no Republican, I do see their point about shooting it down too soon. I mean, as they say, it would be a damn shame if we just shot down a Martian peace delegation.

Of course, folks like Marjorie Taylor Greene and Lauren Boebert are quick to remind us that these mystery objects could very well be the evil work of Republican Bond villains Bill Gates and Dr. Anthony Fauci, attempting to use unidentified high-altitude objects to drop billions of micro 5G chips from way, way up in the atmosphere - for all of us to inhale. Boebert and Greene’s motto is “You can never be too cautious, or too paranoid.”

Anyway, whatever it was, the truth is we really have nothing to fear. That’s because the MAGAs across our nation have heeded the call and have momentarily paused their attacks on Black History Month, grabbed their AR-15s, ran out into the backyard, and are pointing their weapons up at the night sky. Say what you want about MAGAs, but its hard not to feel a strong sense of security, once you know these folks are on the job.

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