During his speech at this year’s NRA convention, former President Donald J. Trump warned conventioneers that “gangs of hundreds of young, usually young people go and attack a department store - department stores in San Francisco and Los Angeles and Chicago, and they run in by the hundreds, and they’re running out carrying refrigerators and carrying air conditioners and big stuff. Big, little, everything. Fur coats, not fur coats, everything they’re carrying. They empty out the stores.”

Oh, my word! So, they’re walking out with refrigerators and air conditioners? What the hell? Are they hiding them under their coats? All I can say is - those gotta be some pretty damn big-ass coats! I tell ya, what’s up with these kids today, anyway? Why in my day, we used to walk out carrying a refrigerator tucked under one arm and a La-Z-Boy recliner under the other. And, we’d carry it all straight uphill for eight miles in 3 feet of snow during an ice blizzard when the temperature was 20 below zero.

Now, I do have to say in these pilfering gangs’ defense, you do need to have things like top-notch refrigeration and AC units if you're really serious about keeping those stolen furs in tip-top condition. That said, some may ask, “Just how on the hell are they able to get away carrying all that heavy shit? I mean, it isn’t like they’d be running so fast that even the most out-of-shape security guard couldn’t catch up with them.”

Well anyway, not to worry, because all isn’t lost. That’s because MAGA South Dakota Gov. Kristi Noem knows what the solution to all this lawlessness is. Also a featured speaker at the same NRA convention, Noem told the audience that her not quite 2-year-old granddaughter already has her own shotgun and rifle. No kidding? I’ve always said there’s nothing to make you feel safe quite like a fully armed 1-year-old. Now, I suppose the only question left to ask is, is this toddler sporting camouflage diapers also?

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