Langley VA.- Two men wearing pig masks attempted to breach a security checkpoint at CIA Headquarters. The men were driving a stolen 1973 Econoline Van. As the van approached the checkpoint, an alert security guard immediately noticed that the occupants had pig faces. He told them to halt but they rammed through the electronic arm of the gate. The security guard radioed the breach and ran after the speeding van on foot as it sped towards the next checkpoint.

When they got there, three security guards began shooting at them as well as the security guard in foot pursuit. The driver was hit multiple times and crashed the van, which had been reported stolen hours before, into a hedgerow. The passenger sprinted out of the van and he too, was met with a hail of gunfire. Both men died on the scene but one of them spoke a cryptic message before expiring. He said “Zlotsky dopsy doodle.63.111W ."”

Investigators running the words Zlotsky dopsy doodle through various linguistic databases have so far found no language in which all three words have a defined meeting. The word doodle does have a meaning in the English Language. It means to make a drawing absent-mindedly but authorities see no connection to the incident unless the pig faced terrorist was indicating that he might have been asking for paper to make a doodle which might have given authorities a clue. 60.111 West is an indication of a place in the South American Continent but with no corresponding coordinates either North or East, it’s impossible to tell whether or not that was what the terrorist was trying to communicate before expiring.

“We slaughtered those terrorist piggies in a hail of bullets .” Said security guard Bubba Redneck Wilson, one of the security guards on the scene. “That’ll teach them to mess with the U S of A!” He continued triumphantly.

The CIA Headquarters attacked were not the headquarters of the Central Intelligence Agency but the headquarters of a lesser known organization called The Certified Idiots of America which has its headquarters down the street. The organization is best known for postulating wild conspiracy theories like the one that said Donald Trump is actually a Reptilian, Two of the most famous theories by them include that one that said Fidel Castro Assassinated JFK, not that he orchestrated it but that he actually was there disguised as a woman (the infamous Babushka Lady caught on film by many people) and that he pulled the trigger before flying off to a party in Rio. They also were behind the theory that Apollo 11 didn’t land on the moon but that the moon landing and moon shots were filed in the desert neat Las Vegas.

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