The Irish Examiner reports an inquest into the mysterious April 2022 death of a 67-year-old Irish man named Jasper Kraus, found semi-conscious and lying in a pool of blood on his kitchen floor by his tenant, has just determined it was an "aggressive" Brahma rooster who was responsible for killing the man. Tenant Corey O’Keeffe called emergency services immediately after finding Mr. Kraus, and they talked him through staunching the bleeding and performing CPR during the 25-minute wait for paramedics to arrive at the rural home, during which Mr. Kraus sadly expired. According to O’Keeffe's testimony, Mr. Kraus’ final words were simply “Rooster."

Not surprisingly, not long after arriving on the scene, police say they began to suspect fowl play. Fair enough, but I have to admit that when I woke up this morning, I wasn’t expecting to read an article about a chicken killing a man, and yet here we are. Now, you can call me old-fashioned, but I prefer the good old days when it was always the butler who did it - not some damn chicken.

So, I guess if there’s a lesson to be learned from this horrible tragedy, it would be “your odds of getting killed by a chicken, are never zero!” Let’s face it, folks, “awareness” is everything. “Why’d the chicken cross the road?” Well, now we know. Keep in mind, chickens outnumber humans by 3 to 1 on this planet. Could this be the beginning of "Planet of the Chickens?” Consider yourself warned!

I mean, when you think about it, the poor guy was actually killed by his own cock. All I can say is, its a good thing that they found the damn bird because this chicken meant business. It wasn't clucking around. The funny thing is, it turns out the big rooster was a wee bit over-sensitive too. Apparently, the man had been warned several times before, “For God's sake, don't call him, “chicken."

So, how can a chicken kill a full-grown man, you may ask? Well, some neighbors claim that the man must have been “henpecked.” Others say that theory is for the birds. Now, I don’t know about all that, but I did read that the bird claimed that “the man tasted a lot like chicken.” Alright, I realize it’s not very plucking nice to crack yolks at a time like this, but I really can’t help myself.

Anyway, during the trial, the chicken’s lawyer argued that we shouldn’t think of this as “murder,” but more like a “Personal Fowl,” punishable by a 15-yard penalty. Naturally, the court didn’t buy it and ruled the penalty for this crime should be administered by Col. Sanders. Its called “Finger Lickin' Justice!” And, I guess that makes good sense because, as any cardiologist can tell you, Col. Sanders has been killing people with chicken for years.

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