Researchers in the Netherlands found in a new, peer-reviewed study of hospital workers that people who pick their noses habitually have a three times greater likelihood of contracting COVID than those who don’t. Nearly 85% of those surveyed reported they picked their noses at least once in the previous month with varying frequencies.

Gee, whiz! Now that’s some interesting news! Hell, now I'm all set for trivia night. That said, and if I’m understanding this correctly, this study conclusively proved that “most hospital workers pick their noses.” Who knew? Now, if you ask me, the REAL NEWS here has nothing to do with COVID. It’s that “a whole bunch of hospital workers actually admitted they pick their noses.”

The funny thing is, there was a small group of those nose-pickers who were kind of bold about it all and proudly pointed out that, “The beauty of nose-picking is that each of us have two completely separate nasal cavities, so there’s never any waiting.” When asked which nostril they prefer, many responded, “Oh, it really doesn’t matter all that much to me; why don’t you just ‘pick’ one?”

Of course, as might be expected, the majority was somewhat defensive about a study linking nose-picking to COVID and countered with, “Yeah, but the ‘doorknob lickers really suffer more than we do.” Frankly, I can’t even imagine who’d have the nerve to ask people if they “pick their nose.” I mean, talk about being nosey! Meanwhile, when asked if he believed this nose-picking study was scientifically valid, an angry RFK Jr responded, “No, it snot.”

The truth is COVID or no COVID; being a “nose miner” has always been a hazardous profession. This, of course, is more bad news for the red states. Hell, this study may even explain the shrinking MAGA base. No wonder MAGAs had such a high rate of COVID. To them, nose-picking is, “Mmm, finger-lickin' good.” My guess is after this study is published, you’ll see MAGAs picking their noses just to try and “Own the Libs.” Meanwhile, all the rest of us “sane people” will patiently wait for the Onion Science Desk to confirm these findings before we dare take any action.

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