A new study published last month in the journal “Behavioural Processes” found that, surprisingly, cats displayed at least 276 different facial expressions. Starting back in August 2021, researchers filmed about 30 cats that were up for adoption once a week at the CatCafe Lounge in Los Angeles. Overall, researchers say they were able to observe 53 cats in total.

Gee, who knew there were 276 different variations of “You are my servant.” Now, I have no idea why a bunch of cats were hanging out at the “CatCafe Lounge” in LA. I guess they must have been hoping to catch a few “lounge lizards.” Frankly, I’m surprised these researchers only found 276 different facial expressions. I mean, my cat “Smokey” has so many different facial expressions; he makes Meryl Streep look like a friggin’ amateur. In fact, he’s been busy working on an all-cat remake of one of Meryl Streep’s most famous films, only this one will be called “Smokey’s Choice.”

Anyway, the study also mentioned most people don’t realize cats have so many different expressions because “cats are considered to be aloof.” Aloof? Hell, the truth is - cats simply ignore us because they're intelligent beings. Study researchers report the most common cat expression they’ve found was basically conveying the thought, “You are deeply disappointing to me on every level, but I continue to tolerate your presence given that you control the can opener.” Regardless, I honestly can’t confirm Smokey actually has 276 facial expressions, but I do know this - when I put him in a cat carrier to take him to the vet, he lets out a string of “feline profanity” that would make even the most hardcore longshoremen blush.

Now, if you ask me, all you really need to know about this study and those 276 cat facial expressions is that 274 of them are most likely some variation of “utter disdain.” You know, with the cat displaying a look that says, “I'm judging you and your life decisions.” The other two are ”Feed me immediately before I starve to death, you friggin’ moron,” and the old standby, “I'm about to cough up a hairball, but I much prefer to do it while I’m on your bed.” The truth of the matter is, even if my cat could speak, he probably wouldn’t even bother. It wouldn’t serve that “Furrier than thou” demeanor he tries to project.

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