Source: Wikimedia Commons
For the first time in history, a commercial plane has flown across the Atlantic Ocean without using any fossil fuels. Virgin Atlantic said the test flight from London to New York was powered only by sustainable aviation fuel (SAF), a broad category of jet fuel that creates fewer carbon emissions than standard kerosene blends. The fuel on this flight was made from “waste fats and plant sugars” that emit 70% less carbon than petroleum-based jet fuel.

Gee, a plane propelled only by fat and sugar? Hell, that’s nothing! If recent polls are correct, a “man” fueled by nothing but fat and sugar may very well become President of the United States in 2024! Either that or, for a brief moment, I thought perhaps Donald J. Trump had sprouted wings and “Trump Air” was operational again. As the old saying goes, “When pigs fly!” Well, this flight demonstrates that maybe they really can.

All kidding aside, I don’t really see this as a particularly significant breakthrough. That’s because anyone who knows people who spend way too much time at their local donut shop can tell you if you gave someone enough fat and sugar, you can propel them forward at a tremendous velocity - just by their farts alone. That’s just basic “Physics 101,” my friends.

Now, to be completely honest, while this process may emit “70% less carbon than petroleum-based jet fuel,” I still think I’d rather smell “jet fuel” than their greasy farts. The funny thing is, with this new fuel, you’ll have jet exhaust that smells a lot like donuts. This could be a huge problem, folks. Why you’ll have stoners late at night heading right over to the closest airport runway - just to smell the exhaust fumes from the planes.

Of course, experts say while the technology works well, it’ll still be many years before its fully implemented commercially. That’s because if they were to regularly fly planes on nothing but fat and sugar - for the first time in aviation history, you’d have aircraft that needed to be treated for diabetes. Hell, it was reported that after being so loaded up on all that fat and sugar, the plane became so totally “wired” that pilots were forced to add massive amounts of Valium to the fuel mixture - just to talk the plane “down” enough to be able to land.

Anyway, while I’m certainly no expert, I was thinking one way the airlines could expedite the implementation of this fuel would be by offering passengers a “liposuction option” right at the gate. Hell, not only would that lessen the weight the plane has to carry, but all the fat they suck out could be used to make more jet fuel. Sure sounds like a win-win to me. Now, the question is - would the general public be okay flying on an airline carrier named “Dunkin' Air?”

If you’ve enjoyed what you’ve just read, please consider joining me at:
Johnny Robish Comedy