It’s being reported that historically low water levels in the Mississippi River have caused at least 25 separate closures to traffic since October 11th. Each stoppage is estimated to cost $300 million per day to the US economy, and could devastate some markets. For example, 60% of the nation's corn and soybean exports rely on the Mississippi to get to customers.

Members of the MAGA “Republican Freedom Caucus” were quick to respond by claiming “this is clearly Biden, Hillary, and Obama’s fault.” Ohhhh, my gosh! Not more of those damn “George Soros-funded, water-sucking satellites again.” Of course! It’s so blatantly obvious, especially to all the folks wearing those bright red MAGA caps. That said, I guess we really don’t even need to ask Kyrie Irving or Kayne West - who they’re blaming all this on.

However, in contrast to all those folks, traditional Republicans like Mitch McConnell, or corporate Democrats like Joe Manchin, will be quick to tell you “the primary reason Mississippi river water levels have dropped so low, is because we haven’t been burning enough coal.” On the other hand, Mike Pence and evangelical Christians are pretty damn sure this dry spell may have something to do with the liberal Democrat Party’s “War on Christmas.”

Not surprisingly, most Republicans will tell you that “If liberal tree huggers hadn't restricted the chemicals that companies are allowed to dump in rivers, we would’ve never had this problem in the first place.” That’s because pouring tons of toxic chemicals into the water would inherently make river levels rise. Let’s also not forget that - as any Fox News climatologist can tell you - “deregulation and lower corporate taxes are really the keys to increased rainfall.”

That said, if there is anything Republicans want you to remember during this crisis, it’s to remain suspicious and fearful of your neighbors, especially if they happen to look or believe differently than you. That way, you’ll continue to contribute to Republican causes and candidates, even if doing so would be against your family’s best interests. In return, Republicans and evangelical leaders promise to continue scaring the hell out of you, so they can continue to profit off your irrational fears. And, as everyone knows - these folks keep their promises.

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