...I'm gonna live till I die"

I've been thinking alot about death recently, and how much I don't want to die. I'm scared of it hurting, I'm scared of the after, I'm scared to not exist, and I'm scared of the fear itself. So much so that I've been looking into religion.

When I was a kid (I mean a real kid not in the way that all 20somethings are kids) I lost interest in my mum's faith. I'd occaisonally go to Sunday church with my Grandma and I'd listen to the stories and I'd talk to all the 60-odd year old believers and I generally had a pleasant time. But eventually I stopped talking to the elderly people who went there too, I stopped listening to the stories the Reverend was telling, I stopped going. No one minded. We're not very deeply entrenched in our faith in my family, I mean my sister wants a church wedding, and my Mum believes in God, and my Dad (most-likely) believes in Heaven and Hell, and my brothers believe the whole world revolves around themselves, but we've always been free to explore other choices, and my choice was not to explore.

But yeah, back to dying. I don't want it to happen.

I mean I'm not an idiot I know it's going to happen eventually (despite the numerous times I've anounced that my deep unabiding internal rage will keep me alive forever, and even if I do die I'm just gonna come back as a ghost because I'm just that spooky) I just don't want it to. Or atleast, I don't want that to be the end of me. I don't want to not exist. I don't want there to be nothingness. So I was thinking about religion.

It's fair to say that most religions have an afterlife, somewhere to go when you die, and I want in. It's selfish, and more than a little naive. But is it wrong to want a little piece of mind when it comes to potentially not existing, and is it right to have faith simply out of fear?

Maybe my mind is too small at the moment for these ideas to become fully formed and I'm just reading from the half-truths that I've been told, maybe my vision is too clouded by the fogginess of an uncertain future and I'm unable to see the present for what it is, a gift.

I don't know.

I should probably stop taking Benzedrine.