"I don't know" ... that's the words I think of when I think about 'us'. Because I really don't know. Idk how I feel idk how YOU feel. Idk how so quick. Idk if it's real. What do u think?. Is this all a joke? Is it fake? What do we do?. Is it one sided? Did you mean the things you said to me? Do you really love me?. I just don't fucking know. And I guess it's harder to compromise when I feel like it's just me. its just me that thinks about you. it's just me that cares. It's just be that dreams about you. It's just me that will do anything and everything for you. Because I love you. So damn much. And I go insane because I think wtf am i doing. Why the fuck am I feeling this way?. I'm losing myself. And it's happening again. The things I've said to you. The way I know I will treat you, it's all real. That's me, that's who I am. I will love you unconditionally. I will do my harderst to make you happy and I will listen to you, support you, be there for you, cook for you, sing to you, comfort you. Whatever you need. It's all real!! And I have to sit back and think why? Why exactly will I do that? I mean I wouldn't quite for a stranger but you, ohhh you. You make me happy, for some odd reason. You tell me I'm beautiful, you respect my boundaries, you inspire me to be better, you remind me of the kind of person I want to be with, you make me realise how loving I am and how far I'm willing to go. It kills me because I think am I too much? Am I annoying? Are you sick of me? Do I scare you away? with my love? with my words? my dreams? my fantasies? my expressive self? My empathy? My texts to you?.....but I realise something. A pattern. I do this every single time with everyone I befriend... and others would say you can't love others until you love yourself. But thats the thing!!!! I do love myself. I tell myself everyday and I believe it, but I think I just have tooooooo much love that I want to share it. And people aren't used to that. I need to remind myself that I'm good here. I'm doing me. Me! everything I do is me. It's not a fad, it's not a joke, it's not temporary. I genuinely care. because the respect and love you show me, I'm gonna give it back 10 times harder. And i'm not afraid to do so. You make me confident in that. I'll send that double text. I'll tell you that I appreciate you. Tell you my explicit thoughts and my hopes and my dreams. The part that kills me though is just that I just don't know. If you really truly understand me. I don't know. And I don't wanna ask for your validation because right now, I am validating myself. And that's all that matters.
(few hours later I added)
Also part of the validation process... reminding myself that youuuu were the one who liked me. You were the one that told me I would fix your problems, that I'm perfect, that you want all of me, you were the one that told me you care about me first. You were the one that told me you love me. It was all you. Maybe you express love differently and I have to remember, that everyone doesn't express the same way I do. I know you feel deeply for me. I know you care about me. But just because you don't tell me often, doesn't mean that you don't at all. I just gotta remember that x
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