I don't know what I'm writing this for. I just need to put it down somewhere. I'm stuck between two things right now. 'I deserve better' and 'I care'. Also 'I don't know' and 'I'm confused', 'I'm frustrated'. 'I shouldn't have to beg for attention. Why do I have to beg for attention?'. 'Is something wrong?'. Okay maybe multiple things i'm stuck between feeling. Feelings. Ugh! I thought this would be a good move. I don't know if i'm right or wrong. I think I'm right because I'm only ever real with myself. I speak my mind. I give my true emotions and feelings and everything that swirls around in my head. And there's more power in that than anything else. I know this. I've read it everywhere. I know it's a form of self love and self care and self awareness and self acceptance, yet I feel so guilty. Why? I don't know. Right now I feel as though I am at my highest peak of myself. Being so fucking vulnerable and open that anyone right now could come stab me in the heart. It's a powerful thing. And it's a pattern I see with everybody. Why can I open my heart and give to others so unapologetically yet no one can do the same. Why do I always leave thinking that there's something fucking wrong with me when I know deep down there's NOT. No one is on my level. No one will ever understand my mind. No one will ever reciprocate my feelings the way that I do. Fuck you and your non responsive ass self. I do so much for both you AND me and I don't deserve to be shit on like this. Thank fuck to me for being resilient and self fucking aware. Because nothing is more powerful than being real with others. And I'm drilling that into my head and tatooing it onto my skin until I firmly live and breathe it. Fuck you. I hope you do the same too
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