This is the letter for my first love, my first heartbreak.

You came into my life in such a strange way, I never understood why it happened the way it did, but I’m a firm believer in the concept that everything happens for a reason so I never questioned it.

I was only 16 and unprepared for the waves you were about to send my way in attempt to drown me. You took an interest in me that no one had ever done. Just talking to you made me forget about everything else going on in my life. I had my guard up because I knew all about you, your reputation, everyone warned me about you. I was very hesitant, yet you were so persistent. I caved, thinking there was nothing you could throw my way that I wouldn’t be able to handle.

You were home to me, a place where I felt safe. It was impossible for me to not worry about your happiness or your safety. I could never sleep without knowing that you were also home preparing to do the same. I would worry about your future, your grades, how your day went, if you ate or not. Your voice would calm my nerves, and your words would ensure me that everything would be fine. You were my best friend that I trusted, cared about and absolutely adored. You knew my darkest secrets. You brought out this confidence in me that I didn’t know existed. You made sure that I was well, and watched out for me. I showed you different sides of myself that I had never shown, my vulnerable, worst and best. I wanted to grow together, bring out the best in each other, achieve everything we ever dreamt of. There was no doubt that I loved you, but I didn’t know it was possible to love you more than you loved me.

People would talk to us about the way we look at each other, or the fact that our relationship was not expected, but somehow worked. Although there were people who supported us, they were also others who were itching for our downfall. Different rumours started to spread about you being unfaithful to me, you managed to convince me otherwise, that everyone envied us and would go out of their way to destroy us. I never imagined it would be you to do that instead.

It was difficult to know what was really going on, the girls involved, the people in your circle, to being a younger grade, to be left only relying on your word. It wasn’t long until my home started to fall apart. You were unfaithful and lying to me, the evidence was there, it only took me to put the pieces together to realize the situation I was in. You caused my heart to ache, my insecurities and anxiety to heighten. You told me that we couldn’t possibly end over your mistakes, that we needed each other, that we were all we had, that it would be cruel and unfair of me to throw everything away like that. You promised me that it wouldn’t happen again, and I believed you.

I didn’t want to continue feeling that hurt, I just wanted to be in your arms cradling me and reminding me that it was us against the world. Unfortunately, that didn’t last long. You managed to mess up once again, and which surprisingly I didn’t expect, I took your word for it, I expected to keep promises like I did. This time I needed a break, a break from the relationship, not you. You messed up bad, and I was a mess. Truthfully, it was a break that allowed me to temporarily detach my emotions from the situation. I still craved your touch and string you along hoping you’d change, and for a moment I thought you did.

I didn’t know what to prepare myself for. You did change but in a way I didn’t think was possible. The mouth that used to kiss me and shower me in kind words, the voice that used to calm me, now began to tear me down, scare me and make my blood boil. You started talking to me like I was unwanted, someone you resented. It was horrible, yet I loved you enough to be patient, hoping for things you change, convincing myself that this was an ugly phase every relationship goes through. I lost all my friends in the process, but I didn’t care because I thought I had you. I was wrong.

We went from these happy individuals to absolutely miserable people. You started hiding things from me, and became protective over your phone, You started using my insecurities and secrets against me, throwing things back at me and telling me I deserved everything wrong that has happened in my life. You told me you didn’t want a relationship but you didn’t want to break up. However you had painted that image for everyone else but me. I told everyone we weren’t together to protect myself with whatever you were doing behind my back that I couldn’t prove. You made me feel worthless, and that I deserved the way you were talking to me. My anxiety was horrible. My heart would race when you were around, not the way it used but in a way when I felt as if my heart would tighten up and couldn’t breathe. I would tuck my hands between my thighs when they would tremble because I never wanted you to see how terrified I was. Not of you, but your words, your voice, mostly important where we were heading. I didn’t care about the looks of judgement on everyone’s face when I walked down the hall because in a way I still had you.

I felt myself becoming numb. The different stories of you would make my head spin, turn my eyes into waterfalls, and my heart ache. I became immune to your evil words, and the fighting, I had changed as well. You brought out the worst in me yet more than anything I wanted you, I wanted us to go back to the way we used to be. I let you hurt me and break me down in the process. You always waited for the moment I was hopeless and done with you to make mends. Never when I begged you to stop with the bickering and resenting me for reasons that still don’t make sense to me.

You finally wanted to fix things when I was finally broken down. After months of torture, after giving you space to fix up. You took advantage of my soft spot for you. Before I let you in, I begged you to be honest with me. To let me know if there’s anything you may of done to hurt me, or make me stupid. I begged for you to tell me, and I was so desperate to make it work that I even told you I would forgive you for all of it if you would just be honest with me. You assured me that I had nothing to worry about, I didn’t believe you but I still let you in. I always went into it blindly for you.

It felt good to have you back but it didn’t feel the same. I still felt numb, I still felt that ache. I just knew I loved you so much that it physically hurt. We were both somewhat happy after the long months of misery. No one understood us, but they didn’t have to as long as we did. We were closer than ever, happier than ever, however I’d have to admit there was this fear in my heart that something could go terribly wrong any minute. We lasted for two weeks.

My birthday was something I never looked forward to because I would spend it alone. You were sitting to me at my birthday dinner, to my right, hand around my waist, surrounded by all my good friends, my little family. I went on your phone, something I normally don’t do and opened the app twitter to check out the feed as we waited for our food. Your direct messages pop up, instead of your feed. I see it. Everything I was afraid of, all the different girls you entertained while you made me so small, so little, so useless. You were using the kind words I hadn’t heard in a while until recently. You had other girls in your life during the time you made me hate myself, and destroyed anything good in my life.

I’ll never forget the feeling of my heart dropping, the way I was caught so off guard but not surprised. The way I locked your phone and slid in under your palm. The way I loosened your grip around my waist and scooted away. I was on the verge of breaking down, and once my eyes met yours, you already knew. This look was familiar to you. I turned to my friend and she also knew it was time for me to go. I remember entering her car, being absolutely torn, tears falling, unable to form words to explain what was wrong. I remember entering my house to my family singing happy birthday and I remember how difficult it was to fake a smile and prevent my tears from falling, it wasn’t a happy birthday at all.

I cried myself to sleep on my birthday. I skipped school to avoid running into you, I had already blocked you on everything not wanting to hear anything you had to say. I remember going to school after the day had ended to pick up my work. Hoodied up, with my bloodshot eyes. I didn’t want any of my classmates to see me. Yet I ran into the last person I wanted to see, you. I remember crying and crying, feeling so broken, I didn’t even care I was crying in front of you as you let me go through your phone for even more heartbreak and for you to lie to me again, until I caught you in a lie. I remember my eyes feeling so heavy from crying, my throat so sore for yelling. I remember trying to leave you and your tight grip on my arm refusing to let me leave until you hurt me. I remember you dragging me off the bus, not accepting our breakup. I remember feeling so empty. I remember feeling so hollow for months. You didn’t care about how I felt. You broadcast our breakup to everyone before I was even able to process it. I cried every night for a month and twice a week after it. I was unable to get out of bed, go to work, or attend school. You took any chance to get me alone to talk to it out. You didn’t understand that I had no more fight in me. I remember you putting your hands on me refusing to let me go home, shoving me against a locker, the wall, pushing me around, twisting my arm when I’d walk away from you.

You left me a mess for everyone to laugh at it, and yet still felt like I owe you the time of day to hear you out. You caused me pain that only felt sharper everyday, and you didn’t have any problem adding to it. You managed to get everyone to sympathize with you, and paint me as the bad guy. Just when I thought it couldn’t possibly get worse, it does. I avoid school, my avoid my friends, my little family. I avoid everything. I do anything to feel numb, different ways to cope with my pain. A way without you. A way to forget you.

It only got worse, more stories of you would unravel. It hurt to hear everything but it was almost necessary. Months later, when I finally feel a little better. Weeks left to graduate until I never have to see you again, you ring me up. Here I am thinking I couldn’t be hurt by you anymore, you couldn’t disappoint me anymore, you go and drop the ultimate bomb to me. You made everything I used to cry over seem pathetic compared to this. I’ll never forget your nonchalant expression as you told me what you did. The worst part was that you didn’t tell because you genuinely felt bad, it was because you were blackmailed into telling me. I was fueled with anger. You made me hate you, everyone, hate myself. It was that moment where I felt like I didn’t know you to begin with. Everything was an absolute lie, and I felt so stupid.

My world came crashing down, and you got off on my destruction. You watched me drown. Everytime I would gasp for air, you’d push me back down to the point where my body just can’t fight it anymore. You made me feel like I was going to die from a broken heart. I don’t know how you slept at night, how you managed to be with her and then back to me. I don’t know how you live with yourself knowing you ruined me. I never thought that you would hurt me in the worst way. I don’t know if I was just a toy, I don’t know if anything of that meant anything to you. You made me feel that I deserved it all. That maybe I wasn’t good to you or enough for you. That I didn’t treat or love you right. That maybe I wasn’t pretty or smart enough for you. I don’t know how you don’t give a fuck. You left me for them to eat me alive, and you don’t even glance back to see if I’m okay.

You taught me what to avoid in a relationship. You taught me what I don’t want to feel. You taught me to fear letting people in. You taught me that you never really know someone. You taught me that I can’t love anyone like I loved you without getting hurt. And I did love you with all my heart. I would’ve risked it all to be with you. Silly girl.

I spent a whole year hurting, smoking and drinking away my feelings to erase the memory of you and this empty void you left me with. I spent months crying over you, and questioning everything. You made me feel so small, and insecure. You made me feel crazy, you made me like it was all my fault. You made me feel like shit. You made my heart throb everyday. Until this very day, my heart aches a little because of you. I still cry when I think back of everything that happened. I get anxious around our school, and get anxiety attacks when I think of being back there. You made me run away from everything just to avoid you. You made me shut everyone out to prevent being hurt again, the way you hurt me. You forced me to kill the old me.

I guess the only thing I could thank you for is that I know better than to expect someone to love me the way I love them. Thank you my first love, my first heartbreak, for blowing out my flame before I even burned. Thank you for tearing me apart.

I made the mistake of expecting answers or closure from you. You failed to provide me with one.

I didn't need closure from you, this is my closure for my younger self.