Sexual abuse my first remembrance of what happened to me

By Andrew Ash

In 1976 my memory of the first rape at just eight years old
I went to a special school called Ravenscliffe centre
And we used to go hiking and do stop overs at the Headmasters house
We’ also went camping and You fostering and Would Go to the
Bradford Playhouse and the Bradford A Lumbar
To watch our headmaster performs on stage,
As he was a Professional and Amateur actor for the BBC radio and on stage.
We would go sometimes to the after shows
Were we would meet other actors and some came from the BBC Leeds Studio
And some of them would be all over me with their eyes and hands
Their loved to tickle may bottom part of my Belly Near my private parts
But not to cause to much attention so not to get caught
We were only eight and nine -year-olds
And the headmaster would never Let us out of is site
Nor go off with them
But on the First time I went I was the new boy
And the headmaster's special boy
And we always stayed at the Headmasters house after the shows
And a was very excite about staying On the first time at my headmasters house
There were only five of us boys staying at the house
But the headmaster only had three beds
So he told me I add to sleep with him in his bed
As the other boys all slept 2 in a bed so I did,
Bought it was in a total different room to the rest of the boys.
I recall the headmaster demanding me to only sleep in my own boxer pants
Has he only slapped naked and didn't want my pyjamas to keep him awake
And then he put his harems around me in the bed and started rubbing my body
All over and kissing the back of my neck
I begun to feel his private parts go hard has he was rubbing my private part
And Hi went hard but I did not like it as he stalks his finger in my
Behind and twiddled it about well masturbating off on my backside
He put a bigger finger in me all the time,
And I was crying and screaming out Loud but no one came
And I was terrified with it
And it never seemed to stop till he finally got it in
And I bit a toy teddy bear that was on his bed
And cried and screamed for my mum and I moved around to try and get him out
But he would push himself further in two my cheek bones and in my backside
And he would go faster
If I screamed to loud he'd put his hand over my mouth
And tell me to shut up and never tell a soul
He will kill my pet dog if I tell a soul and
Tell all the over boys what I have made him do to me
This it is my fault for getting into his bed naked in my boxer shorts
And Being a pretty little boy and now I am his little boy and can never escape Him
He can love me but I will never love him I shall just cried myself to sleep
Thinking of better times before this ever happened to me
And I would feel so dirty and it made me want to crawl and hide and Kill my self.

I later got courage to tell some one it was my social work and he told me
To shut up and not lie.
Five days later, I was sent to a boarding school in Bradford
Under a care order and told not to tell anyone about my first school
It was easy for them, as I was under a care order already from my first school
And so it was easy to do and with no questions asked I went from first school to my last school without ever going to a middle school

This is true and not a made up a count
And my abuse that started, there was just my start,
I was abused for over 21 years in the carer system
Under social services and out of the social service system
And now I have to give statements to the police as part of their investigations
To the specialist crime and abuse investigations command on abuse that happened to me
After the police got my information
From the British National Association for young people in care NAYPIC
I went there in 1990 were I gave a true account
Of what was happening
I was one of the first people on record to give
A true account of what was happening in Holland and in the UK
And other parts of the world in the smouldering of children in and out of the UK
And in And out of Amsterdam it is now known As Child sex trafficking
I lived in Amsterdam on and off for quite a long time
And in that time I was myself smuggled in and out of Amsterdam and the UK
By sex traffickers there only used kids out of care Homes and on the run
Some boys came from care run boarding school and some special school
They bought kids in and out of the country by coach And
There was smuggled in to Holland in the luggage compartment of the bus
The customs Officers used to turn a blind eye to what was going on
And occasionally they'd be one customs officer who would quickly give you a good feel up
And he was obsessed with feeling the young boys up
He also likes to stick it in his or her mouths if there was no one around him
There did not use to be CCTV cameras back then like there is two-day
And quite often they just pass you through customs
Without even putting a stamp on people's passports
Back then we never left the bus until we got on the Sea ferry
And then when we set sail
We would be let out of the luggage compartment Of the bus in two the ferry where they would be always a handsome member of staff who work on the sea ferry
To offer you a share in his cabin for sex and for food
, Drink and Ask no questions if you was a good boy You would even get sex with the captain who turned a blind eye on it

Amsterdam is a big place for Child porn movies and murder and Prostitution
Amsterdam is a place of small streets small buildings
And canals with bridges over them bicycles and rent boys and rent girls in fact
Amsterdam is full of sex shops and brothels
And is the capital of gay sex and straight sex
People sell their bodies in shop windows with Price tags on their neck
And the government makes money out of it
It is a registered trade and you need to have a certificate of
Good health to work in the prostitute industry
But this does not count for the thousands of young boys and young girls
Who go over there every year by sex traffickers?
In fact it is the most unsafe and uncontrolledand dangerous place to be in if you're a boy or a girl you do not have any rights at all and you could end up dead if you are not street wise Over there young boys fetch the highest price but the babies
Fetch the most money of all and the babies mainly come from drugged up Moms who also sell their boys and young girls from the UK and also kids out of children’s homes from the UK and other
Countries around the world and no one ever wants to put a stop to this trade in fact the Dutch police take no notice if you are not a. Dutch boy
And then they will make arrests But only if you are from Holland. They do not take the UK child smuggling serious

At all in the 21 years that I was a slave to my traffickers and UK paedophile rings
I never saw a change of any kind and I believe today that nobody really cares
What are being done but there are roads of cover-ups
Cover-ups All over the UK by the so called police force and also in Europe
We have lots of English citizens out there and some are well-known UK paedophiles
Living in Amsterdam and the Dutch police and authorities do not give a dam what is happens.

Child porn And Snuff movies and Child murder
I Andrew Ash as been in dozens of porn movies
When I was a boy most of the films was done by my abusers
In London, Bradford, Wales, and many other locations
By rich and some poor abusers who like to film themselves
For their own private porn collection
These films were not all heavily distributed for the general public to see
And are in private corrections all over the placed
And in Amsterdam where I was in a lot of film studios
That filmed films for the porn industry I was in gay videos
And I was in boy gay and bisexual sex videos
I also was in some very rough sex movies
But the absolute worst
While the snuff movies
Where I have been left with deep wounds to my wrists and hands
One of my wrist cuts was
So deep that I had to go to hospital
To stop the bleeding from squirting out of my wrist
And I was lucky I did not die
I was not in control at all
I was only a Small boy and had no idea what was going to happen to me
I was told it would be just normal porn Film but it's turned out to be a nightmare
When I was tied up and smacked about
There were no rules and no stop codes and nowhere of stopping what was going on
I had no control at all
And .Got my wrist caught wide open it Was A Snuff movie Sex film
And I did not know it at the time and they fought it was a joke but not me

The fairground and child murder
Whilst travelling to Wales with one of my abusers
That I cannot name at this time because of police ongoing investigations
We had left Bradford roughly about 8.30 am, in the morning
To travel and see a friend of his in Wales
And we has been Travelling a good 3 to 4 hours
And I was taken to a fairground no where near Wales
At all we was only about an hour out of London
And there was another boy with another abuser
He was only about 10 to11- years- old
He was a half-caste boy who had been taken off the street in London
Myself and this 10 -11-year-old boy was taken on all the fairground rides
For free and given a good time
Me and the boy laughed and joked as we spun around on the rides
And I can remember the smell of the fairground that was given off in the night’s hair
I could smell the smell of Candy Frost and burgers and popcorn it made us both hungry
And then we was given some free food I can still remember the taste
As it went down my fraught it was hot dogs and beefburgers
With cheese and chips and a can of Cork
The abuser I had come with from Bradford had now gone
All disappeared from the fairground
And the fairground worker whom I cannot name for legal reasons
Said that I could stay with him and myself and the boy crimes into a large fairground vehicle
And we was offered and both had a other drink out of a big bottle of Cork
The boy and me shared it by passing it to one another
And we were sat in the back where they is a bed in the vehicle
I do not remember any abuse-taking place in that vehicle we were soon feeling very tired
And like I'd been drinking all night and could not lift my arms all speak through my mouth but
I was desperately trying to speak nothing would come out
It was like looking through a fog
And then I woke up in a cellar in a big house in London
A cud hares people coming and going and people talking and laughing
But I still could not speak a word and how I got there I do not know
There was a chain from my harm to the boy's arm
And it was then I realised the Boy
Was in the bed with me we both had our undies on
I do not remember getting undressed and I could not record the time of day it was
I could see the 10- 11-year-old boy’s face
And could see the tears rolling down his cheeks
He was scared and I could not do anything I could not even lift a arm
All my head but just look at his face their was 2 men
And Me and The boy in that room and
I kept fading in and out Of a deep sleep
One of the men would be on top of me
Whilst the other man who was a evil piece of work
Was on top of the 10 to11-year-old boy
Well the abuse was taking place
Me And the 10-11-you- Old boy got hold of one another's hand
And we held one And others hands tight,
We Got, punched, smack, spit on,
And made to feel that we was worth nothing no more
And they just both laughed and joked to one and hover
There was totally uncontrollable and this went on for a long time
And then they disappeared out of the room
And then it was just me and just me
We started to be able to move about with our arms and legs
But we were still chained together like dogs chained together in the night
And we began to comfort one and other
It still didn't feel rail so the 10-11-year-old boy decided he needed to know
If it was a dream we was going through it was bizarre
Seeing him out of is Head he looked up on me
And then he smacked me across my face
And I gave him a smack across his face Back
And we just both are gone to cry
We held one and the other tight in each other's arms
And started to rock one and hover after a while we begun to talk to one and other
And he told me he had been taken off the street in London and kept crying for his mum
All he wanted was his mum and I cried as well
He was so young and I could do nothing for him At all
I will never forget those beautiful shining eyes
And his face of fear
He was the sweetest boy anyone could meet
Then the two men came back in and started on me and the boy again
Where they got their sex drive from I do not know
But the two men kept swapping from the boy and me
Eventually one of the men the nastiest one of two began to chalk the boy
With is hands and I could not do anything
As I heard the Literal boy gasping for air the man was bragging and lashing
All the time about over boys he add killed
The boy's eyes were popping out of his Head
And it did not look like him
Beautiful little boy the beautiful little boy
The man then began to bring back to life the lifeless boys body back to life again
Then they changed partners and the nasty beast began to do the same to me
I felt like I was floating down a big long tunnel and there was right at the end
But I wanted to go to the right
But somebody A beautiful little angel
Told me that my time was not up
And I was then looking down at myself
And could see the man bringing me back to life
Then I was looking at Him in His face
And then they swapped over again so the other man was now with me
And the abuse started all over again each time I wanted to die
But somebody would not let it be
I was very dazed and very weak
And this lasted for three days three days seemed like a week
And I did not see the man from Bradford that I had come with until the last day
When my abuser from Bradford was crying and saying sorry to me.
Andrew don't die Andrew he kept crying
My Bradford abuser had realised that the fairground men had left me for dead
And the boy beside me dead
But my Bradford abuser had bought me back to live again
All he wanted to do was get me out of there
And out of reach for the fairground men
And I looked at the 10-11-year-old boy
And I begun to try to give him the kiss of life
Like the Bradford man had just done to me
But it did not work and I called his name out with tears in my Eyes and heart
I was so scared my Bradford friend told me we had to get out there
Before the fairground men came back
Because there would surely finish me off What they hadn't done this time
And I know I had to get the hell out there

I Wake-up sometimes screaming on a night full of sweat and terrified
I see in my dreams in my nightmares that poor little boy
His face so pretty and all he wanted was to be with his mum
He told me before this happened

When we was crying and hugging
But could not break free
Because of the chains
That bound us together
Like scared dogs at night

When I came around he was still holding my hand
And his hand was locked in my hand
It felt so called yet still warm to the torch
And he wants me to tell his mum

'S sorry mum I love you please don't be sad mum I love you
He loved his mum so much.

May He rest in peace you poor little boy?

This is just a little of what has happened in my life
And is as true as my mind can allow me to remember
It is painful and makes me very tearful and sad

By Andrew Ash
A victim of sexual abuse