We all hear about the terrors of abusers and the horror stories of victims. Of course, I've felt for the innocent who were hurt and I've been enraged at the fact that domestic violence exists in society. But jesus, when it happens to you, it's so fucking disgusting.

I'm so angry at myself for 1) getting into a situation that I should have seen coming and 2) once realizing how toxic the relationship was, staying in it.

You'd think the INSTANT I realized I was being mistreated on an emotional level I would be booking it. But it didn't feel that simple. Since mental illness unfortunately was a majority of the cause of the mistreatement, technically it wasn't his fault, so I would look like the asshat who left him suffering alone. So I stayed.

You'd think the instant I was mistreated physically I would leave him. But again, I didn't think it was his fault. I was too scared to be the bitch who left her boyfriend over mental health issues. Of course, in doing so I completely ignored my own physical and mental health. And it almost destroyed me.

Newsflash-- it's not worth staying. I'm so fucking glad I made the decision to never speak to him again.

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To my lovely ex,

Fuck you. Fuck you and the fact that you got away with everything you did to me, fuck you for spreading lies to save your own ass and destroy mine. I hope that everyone will someday see you for who you are, or that you change before that happens because NO ONE should have to go through what you did to me. Fuck you for belittling my own mental health problems with your own. That's such a dick move, I know you suffer and I hope that you get relief, but it isn't out of kindness for you, don't be mistaken. I hope you heal so that others don't have to be your punching bags, because I promise they aren't going to always stay around as long as I did. I wish I hadn't. Forgiveness, like you so often told me, is the healthiest thing to do, but believe me, this is going to take a while. I'm sure I will forgive you, but it's impossible as long as I have to see your face.

Take care, but take it somewhere else.

Amanda