I message Nathan. He's a bass player! Flirty, kinda cute and he tells me I'm a hottie. He likes it when I call him Daddy. He's a lot of fun. We text back and forth and send endless amounts of flirty emojis. Tell eachother the things we'd do to each other, its great and I love it. Until it gets to a point where I feel I can't entirely give him what he wants. At some points when I talk to him it reminds me of Raymond...

Raymond. A guy I argued with countless times over the dumbest things. He was a young guy. Super demanding and way too confident despite his deep insecurities. We met at a grocery store. I wasn't interested in him too much. Not until he wouldn't reply to me or answer my calls. He tried to pressure me to do a lot of things. I never felt comfortable but for some reason I didn't want to leave him. I stil rememeber him pulling me into an alleyway, shutting me up by pressing his lips on me and shoving his hand up my top. I hated it. But the second he pulled away my hands would run over his body and all of a sudden I'm holding him so close and begging him not to leave.


I guess that's why I liked Brian so much. He's a huge dog lover! Super hard worker and we both loved Dragon Ball Z. We were the same. He respected me a lot. Never forced me to do things I didn't want to do. I was so in love with him. He made me WANT to do things for him, because he never asked. He never expected a thing from me. I guess that's why he left me...


... It surely wasn't the first time that kinda thing happened to me. Rob was incredible. He was a primary school teacher. An amazing writer, and he was a huge fan of Star Wars and heavy metal. He would do anything for me. Anything! I easily could of been that girl that took advantage of that but I was the type that would get angry at him for not letting me pay for the bill. He was purely my fantasy. I was his. Turns out he had a wife... the biggest plot twist of it all was that they'd been together for 10 years. I was heartbroken, but knew it wasn't meant to be. I did what was right and let him go, as much as he pleaded to leave his wife and marry me instead. Yikes!


When I stopped talking to Brian, I kept thinking about how difficult it was for me to get over the fact that the person I love left me for his now said girlfriend. I had been through this before why couldn't I just move on?! Surely it would be worse to find out the guy had a wife of ten years than to find out they have a girlfriend...right?. I used to distract these thoughts by messaging Craig. I hadn't heard from him in so long. A simple "Hi" would get him to reply and make me insanely happy,

"Hey baby"

That's all I had to read on a screen to make my day and night. I didn't know much about him. Maybe it was good that I didn't...

.

.

I messaged Craig lastnight... only because I felt like I had fucked things up with Nathan. Nathan's a good guy but little things he would say would remind me too much of Raymond. I hated Raymond because he was demanding, yet I appreciated him because he is what made me love Brian so much. But apparently I wasn't good enough for Brian. Brian got a girlfriend and I found out in the worst way possible. Sometimes I think what would happened if he begged for me like I wanted him to. But then i'm reminded that already happened with Rob. Rob the guy who was already married and on the verge of getting a divorce to be with me. ugh!

.

.

I wait for Craig to reply to my text. He says hes been busy and I pout. Oh did I tell you about Kenny? The hot tatted bartender who calls me Angel...