If someone ever told me years ago, that I’d be divorced two times and single for a while, I wouldn’t have believed them. I never thought I’d even be divorced after any of my marriages. It turns that I just don’t know how to pick the right person for myself. I got married very young, and the first one just didn’t want to be married to me anymore. Then the second one, well, I didn’t want to be married to him anymore. He was abusive in so many ways. And believe me, the sad part is, that his abusiveness is not why I divorced him. He did something major. If it weren’t for that, I would’ve still been married to him. It’s very scary what people are willing to put up with for the sake of not being alone. I guess I never really valued myself very much. I probably even believed most of the bad things he said about me to me.
Anyway, I began to date after a period of being single and ended up with someone who did not want to have a relationship. I was with him for a bit over a year. I put myself through such an emotional rollercoaster. He’d go on trips for a few weeks to even a month at a time. And I would cry myself to sleep. And whenever he’d call, I’d get so excited only to get hurt when he’d tell me how he would visit his ex-girlfriends.
And now today I miss him and I even miss being married. I would’ve loved to be married to this last person that did not want to have a relationship with me. I guess it’s the comfort of knowing that I am not alone even though I felt alone. Just knowing that I had a body there with me. Why would I put myself through this? Where’s the safety in being in any kind of relationship where you only end up feeling insecure, lonely and sad most of the time and not feeling loved enough? I’ve felt degraded, abused, unloved, scared, sad, depressed, lonely, insecure, jealous, lost and confused. And yet I was willing to stay that way with this person in order to feel the security of just having “somebody” there with me. I grew up with such low self-esteem, no love for myself and obviously no self respect. So what now? What do I do with all of this? Where do I go from here? How do I even begin to love myself?