It's currently 3:02pm on a saturday afternoon. And believe it or not , i have just gotten out of bed. I'm sat at my desk with my laptop here in front of me with so many things in mind that I want to write about.
Theres so much sadness in this room, so many mixed emotions i dont really know where to begin. My curtains are still shut, its a nice day outside, my room is dark, my hair is a mess, my tears are now dry and the smell in here reeks as if no one has been here for years. I feel unbelievably cold right now , i haven't eaten, I haven't stepped out of this room and I haven't spoken to anyone other than my own mind.
My parents are currently arguing in the room across from me, I have a shit load of studying to do but I honestly don't think I would be able to concentrate on it at all.

Before I move on with my life I desperately had the need to write how I feel right now. I don't what i'm feeling, I don't know how i'm feeling and I don't know what to do and it's crazy to think that the first thing in my mind i had to do was to let it out by writing about it.
I don't know how to explain exactly what happened, I dont even think i will be able to explain it without crying but i'm just gonna say, right now that I feel so alone.

I'm currently thinking about everything in my life i've done wrong, everyone who as ever left me as a friend, everyone who has ever let me down, everyone who I have helped but got nothing in return, every bad thing that has happened in my life is killing me so painfully. I'm stuck in between the feelings of 'You don't deserve this' and 'This is what you deserve'. For so long i have tried so hard to love myself and be there for myself first before anyone else, but it has been so hard when I am genuinely a kind and loyal person towards others. I am toooooo empathetic and i can't help that I want to be there for someone else before dealing with myself first. (i know, its not healthy).

Its so hard to slowly accept the people who leave in your life and still say to yourself 'hey at least I have myself' . Especially when you have had insecurity problems since the age of 10.
I'm now 19 and I have come so far in believing in myself, to stop counting on others, and to just accept that people come and go. I realise now that I can dwell on it, I can cry for years and shit on people who decide to walk out of my life (as I would do). But I've come so far that I don't want to let it get to me now. Not when I'm so close to being myself again.
I was almost there, I was almost complete, I was in the process of getting out of a depressive state , I was slowly starting to go back to classes after missing 2 weeks because i was "too tired", I was slowly starting to be social again and not let my anxiety fool me. I was about to start flirting with the nice guy in my mentoring class, I was about to start a healthy diet so I can feel good inside too
I was about to start exercising every day like i used to so that I can feel happy in my own skin again, but now I don't know if i'll be exercising for myself or just working out to shake off this pain.Two steps forward and ten steps back.

After crying from re-reading all of this, and constantly pacing around my room confused at what just happen.. I'm gonna try to let it go (thanx elsa) I'm going to try move on for ME. not anyone else.I'm going to focus on my life and try desperately to love myself and nobody else. And if somebody is reading this right now and thinking 'lol yea thats so easy' It may be easy for you but it's not for me. It's taken me so long to be happy for myself. During those times when all i'm doing is trying, and someone else in my life decides to get up and leave, i always always always tend to fall so far back. It would always be the thought of 'This is what you deserve, you didn't try hard enough, you didn't love hard enough, you failed'

But it's gonna be different this time.I've been in this situation many times and I'm not gonna let it take over me for the rest of my life. My empathetic self currently hates me. My empathetic self is saying unconsciously to chase after those people who leave, they are good people, they deserve you, go see how they are, chase after them and see if they need anything, any support, any help with their life'

But there's one thing that I've learnt throughout my 19 years of living...


:Don't chase people who don't chase you