Essentially, I'm not really a good person. I don't believe I am; I fall prey to the seven deadly sins almost everyday of my life and I can't bring myself to stop. People I know may think I'm nice, albeit quiet, or if you know me well enough, loud. But the impressions they get, I have no idea where they're from. I'm not nice or sweet or kind, but I try despite all inclinations that I don't want to, I know I have to try; so I try, I try being nice to people, being sincere, I'm aware of my faults and I try to fix it, but nothing works- it always backfires.

When I am being actually kind and actually sincere, the next thing I know my actions are levelled by mistakes that seem to tip the scales on whether I've been a good person or not, and suddenly, I'm shouted at by the world for a mistake I didn't mean to make.

I hate being nice because it never works. I'm not meant to be nice. I don't think people should call me nice or kind or sweet. It's an expectation that I'm unlikely to ever fulfill.

Trying to be nice gets tiring, but I feel such a strong obligation to, at the very least, try and I don't know why. Sometimes I think it's because unconsciously I know I need to hide myself to fit in with social norms, or maybe trying to be nice is another sin for me. It's me being selfish so I can get recognized for being nice.

Being nice becomes so much of a complexity that it's like the world wants me to be mean. And to be honest, I want to give into that temptation so bad because it would be so much easier. But I already know, that it won't get me anywhere, being crass or rude to someone won't do anything for me, there's no satisfaction I can gain from it, it won't help me out down the road- I'll just look bitter and resentful. So, really, I can't be nice and I don't want to be mean, what in the world can I do?

I'd be happy doing nice things in secret you know, if people would just stop looking. That's a thing, you know. With me anyways. I don't want people to see me being nice, at least anyone other than the person I'm being nice to. To me, sincerity is personal, I want to let that person know I'm doing this solely for them. When other people get involved, it becomes complicated; it's no longer sincere, it's a thing to be judged- and there's always someone that's the 'hater'.

I don't know what to do.