Clutching at my stomach.
I'm angry. Livid really. I pinch the roll of fat at the bottom of my belly, hard. I want to cut it off, to be honest.
Maybe liposuction.
The gym feels pointless. I'm criticising myself for a lack of control over food.
I'm rationalising that I'm meant to be on my period soon and this should explain it. It doesn't help.
All I'm wondering if I have always been this fat.
What about the days when I was skinnier? I have always felt curvy, but today I realised that My fat roll actually touches the skin under it. I'm getting fat.
Or pregnant of course. Which is technically impossible, but 2 weeks late is worrying even for me.
Is it water weight, or have I always looked like this.
I just keep wantin to cut it off.
That flat stomach I crave, I picture, even though I've never had it. That makes me livid again.
Vicious cycle.
Why can't my stomach flatten.
Why, when everyone says to love your curves do they not discuss your stomach. They do not say love your rolls there. They say love a bigger bum, love your bigger arms, your thighs. Just not your stomach. You should never love a fat stomach.
I want to lose the weight. But I don't want food to control my life. But maybe it should. I'm just upset and angry at my appearance.

Let's just curl up and not leave the house. Let's just shut down. Let's hope the weight falls off by chance. Let's hope one day I will be satisfied, finally, with my appearance.
But I don't see that in my future. I feel slightly, but continuously dissatisfied.

I'm sorry. I wanted to be stronger. But sometimes we have days where we relapse right?

I'm veing honest, maybe too much so. Sorry if this offends. Sorry if this triggers. I want to purge. I want to just stop.
But I never will. Sometimes I feel like, with the right push, I could end up with some disorder. But I'm too stuborn for that I think. I'm too aware of the slippery slope. I would never I don't think.

Sorry for my thoughts. Sorry I think darker than you may have thought.

Sorry I have failed to be body positive today.
Just... Yeah. I'll be alright.

Fuck you societal expectations that have infiltrated my mind.
You poisonous bastards.