I want to stop.
I'm feeling the desperate gasps for an end before the future, because I cannot make decisions anymore, because I am desperate for the end, because if I could pause time here forever, I would never have to make another mistake again, never face life again, never have expereinces that make me question who I am and why.
I was to get away. I want time to pause. I want to not have to face the world, i want to curl up and shut life out. I always want to sleep. In sleep I find my peace.
I think i suffer depression, but then the ups are great, and the lows are manageable, but I just hate my own company, and my midn hates me, and the future is too scary to face. And I hate the unknown. And I just want it all to stop.
No specifics, just all of it to stop. I want to delve into the darkness and never return, I want to stay in bed and shut out the world and everyone in it whilst also wanting everyone I love in it and I don't know whether I am happy or sad, whether I want to see the future, or if even comprehenidng tomorrow is too hard and I am finding myself gasping. Gasping for the end of the future.
I am gasping for my mind to turn off, for mistakes to never happen, whilst also grasping my wedding day, my partner, my family, cute dog videos and babies giggling. I'm wanting the future to stop. I want it to go away, until I have five seconds to breathe and feel guiltless about it, and to be ok with the fact that life moves, and that sometimes we get anxious and sad and feel sick to our stomachs and out of touch with who we are and that is ok.
I know I need to accept that it's ok to be unsure of myself, to question how much I look in a straight line, how much I think I can achieve, how competent I am, how well i look up, how deep my heart feels and how pure it is, and although I KNOW that I do not feel it in these moments. All I feel now is the torment of not knowing, and not wanting to know.
I want it to be the end of the future.