Perhaps something about this time of year draws me to think and wish to pour out some of my emotions onto this 'blog'. Perhaps, even, it is simply that my life makes a habit of changing around this time of year. Whatever the reason, I guess it truly doesn't matter. My life, over the past year, has gotten easier (I guess you could call it that anyway. Not easy though. Certainly not.) I got into my chosen University to do my chosen course, and I'm moving away from a town full of people and memories I certainly will not feel sad to leave behind. I've spent so long over the years attempting to recreate myself, sort out where I stand morally in my life, and what I feel about things.
Sure, sometimes I mess up. I say I feel one way about something and do the opposite. I say I respect myself and then allow myself to do things that most definitely don't demonstrate this feeling. I mean seriously, how hard can it be to show people you do respect yourself? And yet, it seems to be a large struggle for me. Perhaps it's down to a confliction of desires in my soul. Perhaps it's due to the fact that I love initimacy, and body contact, and so get very excited by the prospect of receiving such things. So all I want is for someone to touch and hold me, make me excited. Yet, allowing myself the pleasure of this counteracts me showing myself to have self-respect. It's such a tough balance to get that I get caught leading people on, and then backing out. I don't really know what I want, and it doesn't help that I'm so damn lonely.
Sometimes, I even think about my ex, how I wish I could just speak to him again. But I know I shouldn't do that. I don't wish to break down the wall I've put up over my feelings for him.
I guess my religion helps complicate things. I don't fully know what I can and can't do when it's not focused on, or even mentioned. I have no real guidance. No one has any real advice they can give because there is no consistancy with what people do. Is it ok to send dirty pictures to people? No, is the instant response. Then it alters. It becomes, how are you sending them, how are they responding, how well do you know them, will you see them again? It's a strange game. Then people become conflicted as they feel they can't advise you either way because there was one time that they did it etc etc.
My life, at current, needs evaluating. I fall too fast for people who are uninterested. I care too much about people who just want to screw me around with their fake sob stories. I'm confused about my morals. I don't mind texting guys first. 'Seeing' people is a phrase I hope with my heart and soul will die out. The rules of 'seeing' someone are so foreign and confused that no one can give you a straight answer over the rules of it. When is does 'speaking to' become 'seeing' and 'seeing' become 'dating' and 'dating' become 'going out'? These phrases don't even have different rules. Lables matter, because you have to identify who the person is to you.
Truth be told, University scares the shit out of me. I was so excited, and on one level I am. Now though I'm also scared. Money freaks me out (all these banks terms are so confusing). University relationships are even more scary. There is now the option to go back to someone's house. Suddenly parts of relationships are easier. There are no parents around for one. That scares me though. Where do I stand on this? It's not sex that I'm uncertain about, it's the stages before. I know where I stand on sex very clearly. Man, I am scared out my mind about relationships.
Whenever I say I'm scared about friends they think it's because I'm scared I won't make any. That's not my issue. I'm scared I'll make bad friends. If I look back at the friends I've made before, I've always made crap choices, so now I'm scared I'll do it again.
Truth be told, I want a big cuddle from a boyfriend who loves me loads so I can forget about all this rubbish. I can forget about being paranoid and about different guys and whether they like me or not. I know a boyfriend won't fix my problems, that'd be stupid, but it sure would make things more simple. I'm waiting for him.
In truth-
I'm scared and lonely. I want to and don't want to go to university. I need to find a way of surpressing my sex drive or something. Tomorrow, I'll write a list of my morals properly. I will be confident and not think about men being in my life. I need to gain some self control.