Somewhere along my journey I got lost. So lost, that I forgot my destination. And now I am wondering aimlessly trying to find the pieces. Pieces of me. So I can put together the puzzle, of who I really am.

I sometimes have flashbacks. Off past memories or feelings. From before. Before HIM. They are like little reminders that I was once different. Once a long time ago when I wasn’t afraid. Afraid to be me.
I don’t know what point in my life, when it actually happened. I didn’t wake up one day a different person. It was a gradual process.

It took years of abuse, verbal, sometimes physical but mainly emotional. Years of trying to please a man who couldn’t be pleased. Years of hating myself for becoming a pathetic, worthless being. Years of thinking I loved this person who could sometimes be so cruel to me yet claimed to love me. Years of feeling so alone. Eleven years to be precise.

But that is in the past now. So why does everything still seem so complicated and hard? It’s been 5 years since I escaped! I just want to be happy, be normal. But I don’t know who I am.

Has he damaged me beyond repair? How can I forget? How can I not be scared anymore? Scared of answering the phone? Or going out? Or loud noises? Or my own shadow...? Why am I always anxious? Why can’t I deal with social situations? Why do I hate going out..? Why have I no confidence? Why do I feel so numb?