There must be something in the air, every breath I take I feel heavier. Every time I close my eyes I see you, hunting me without so much as a pause. Maybe it's just me making life harder for myself for fear of dying without knowing my purpose or who I truly am.

I see everyone courageously walking out, outshining their shadows. Using every mean they have to seek happiness. They have come to the conclusion that the meaning of their life lies within the happiness. Never have they considered that the meaning of their life might lie in the undesirable parts of their lives. I guess it's too depressing to think that way.

What if? What if the meaning of your life was the pain, the regrets, the madness, the selflessness and or selfishness? Never did I think I would be overthinking things as I do now. With everything I possess, I am still not satisfied. I want more and more. Just a little more, then I will be...

There are times when I say, "To hell with it all, I'm just tired and my thoughts are blocking my path to living a stable life." We are told that even God rested after making the vast expense. Now I want to feel nothingness because then I would feel everything. I do not mean dying but feeling nothingness, so don't freak out. Most, people forget that when you die, all you have accomplished and possessed is useless in the end. Even your name becomes forgotten given the time. But still, I want to live because that's the only way to clear up the inconsistencies in life. I feel that if I reach my golden years the answer will come to me.

I have never been one for patience, so I want my answer now even while I know my experiences now are a bit lacking. But we only get a hundred years, I want more maybe two-thousand, so I can accomplish so much. Hundred is just too small, If we had more time, we could have made something of this world. Oh well, you live with what we are given.

I figure since I have so many regrets, I might as well make some more. It really is easy to give up, still, I've not completely given up. I will search for the answer that eludes the most. Who am I? What is the meaning of my life, if not just blind happiness? In the search I will make more regrets, maybe my answer will be hidden within the regrets.

Maybe, just maybe if I feel nothingness now when then when the end comes I won't be so...