write
I recognise it, it’s like an old acquaintance, who has sensed my weakness of being ok.
And so it sits on my chest
And pulls me to bed
Where I find myself
Mindlessly scrolling through the lives of others
Whilst feeling like I can barely live my own.
It holds me down
Gives me icy kisses that fill me with fear
And the dread that they bring
Is a darkness that whilst it fills my mind
Leaves me feeling empty.
And the emptiness tells me not to start my work
And reminds me that I’m out of my depth with my life
and when I open my mouth to speak
I find I am drowning
Where air should fill my lungs instead I’m gasping
And I can’t cry for help
Even though I feel like I need to
Instead depression anchors me
To the familiar sense of everything and nothing at once
I feel overwhelmed by the world but yet underwhelmed by it all
Depression reminds me of the things I don’t do to help and the things I need to do
But depression reminds me that getting to do what I need to is like climbing a mountain
Because leaving my bed means facing the world
And starting works means setting up failure
And getting dressed means working out what to wear
And here I am again overwhelmed.
I realised much of the day has gone
And whilst I feel lazy I can’t stomach the idea of doing anything
Because moving means choices
And choices are challenges
And I’m struggling enough to feel happy without having to face a million choices
Where I could do the wrong thing
And I have bad luck with 50/50
So a yes or no is terrifying
So I’m here still in my bed
Trying to work out why depression is here today
And to understand how to get t to leave
My motivation is gone
And I want to leave
But I can’t
Because depression is sitting on my chest
And is pulling me to bed
Helping me drown
Whilst telling me to breathe
