I don't even know if anyone is still reading these things but it's 2020 and so much has changed since the last time I wrote anything.
I'm sorry I don't write provocative think pieces or scathing social commentary but I think the best genuine writing comes from something that we know inside out, and there's nothing I know better than myself.
When I first created an account with this website I was 18 years old and needed an outlet for my pretentious, chaotic, grammatically incorrect ramblings. Everything was so raw and spontaneous and as much as I look back with some semblance of embarrassment, I'm also envious of the carefree and pessimistic honesty I had.
Now I am turning 24 and although 5 years doesn't feel like a long time I don't even recognise who I was back then. Today I force myself to be optimistic so as not to be dragged in the downward spiral of my psychosis. A lot of neurotypicals will tell me that it's good to stay positive, but staying positive and not allowing myself to feel the very natural feeling of negativity when things seem bleak is dishonest and delusional, and bleakness was something I was very familiar with this time last year.
I started 2019 in my friend's house secretly telling her that I didn't think I was over my ex who was there with her new girlfriend. I was single, lonely, falling out of touch with my friends and didn't think I could see an end to it. Then a couple of things happened that I would like to talk about.
In summer I reconnected with some friends I hadn't seen properly in a while. One of them was a total fluke, my Dad is a bit technologically challenged and accidentally "waved" at a friend of mine on social media. This prompted her to message me about it while I was taking myself out for a meal on the day I got paid. I told her this and she told me she was in the same area, we met up, caught up about life and we've been in constant touch ever since.
I've known this person, S, since we were 12 years old and seeing first hand that she still had that preadolescence confidence that comes with not caring a little bit about what people think about you inspired me to do the same, and with that came back some of the happiness that I lost since being diagnosed with several mental health problems as a teenager.
Also, it was this overwhelming success at having reconnected with an old friend that inspired me to take a more active roll in making connections with other people that I wish I saw more frequently, and in there comes Christmas in July.
A quick rundown on why I celebrate Christmas in July; I love Christmas, I love summer. That's it.
Anyway, July comes and I start making plans and preparations, I invite a friend of mine, E, and their partner, M, to come, people who I only see a couple of times a year I thought it would be nice to increase that number by at least 1. Christmas in July comes everyone has a generally good time, we all sing Mariah Carey off-key and confuse the neighbours, I invite E and M to the birthday party that I'm throwing for S a few weeks later.
Two weeks later is the Pride parade in my city. M comes to hang out with us because E is busy working that day, we all get merry and queer, I make out with all my friends and successfully avoid my ex who's in the city for the weekend, and E says I can hook up with M if I wanted to because I had talked about being attracted to them. I don't.
Two days before the party M texts me, E can't come, they made plans that they forgot, I say it's ok and M can still come anyway, we're friends too. The party is fun, I forget to buy S a pinata that I promised (and still have not bought many months later), we all have a good time, get drunk and start discussing why E couldn't make it. M tells all, they have a friend who is going to be leaving back home to America and E is really sad about it, planned to have a whole day together with this friend and completely forgot about the birthday party for S. Some more things come to light.
A few months prior E told me about someone else they were interested in besides M, B who I met at pride. I say that polyamory is very normal and can be a healthy way to manage feelings for other people regardless of how fleeting or long term they may be. I encourage E to have a conversation with M about how they both feel about polyamory and if all goes well to pursue feelings B, if not, maybe it's time to figure out what E and M both want in a relationship and decide if there is still a future together.
What I don't hear about is the full story until M tells us a group. E had already been seeing B for a little bit without telling M the whole case. The two of them had been separated for a bit and had broken off their engagement, and E had been emotionally neglecting M in favour of B. After hearing this we all slag off E and B for a bit, because we're Bad People, get drunker and M and I decide to go hit up a local club, despite the fact that I have a job interview the next day. We get drunk, I go back to M's house and he walks me home the next day and lends me his hoodie to wear cause it's cold and I'm covered in hickeys.
Many casual hangouts and hookups later, I've started developing feelings for the idiot and decide to have some time off from him to get everything in order mentally. Lots of people had said we should date but we both firmly disagreed. Flashforward to a night that I'm out with my best friend for a few drinks and I get a text from M, he's not in a good way and I don't want him to be alone. He comes to meet me, we walk home and stop off at the park later where we, and I hate to say it, accidentally stargaze. It's embarrassing, it's cliche, it's more feelings than I ever wanted to admit that I had for anyone.
Eventually, people get absolutely sick of our shit and tell us point blank that we should date, even E. We talk about it and decide to just go for it. That was 3 months ago.
TL;DR - I started dating my friend's bf who they're in an open relationship with and now we're super happy despite the fact that we're both pretty emotionally stunted and have trouble expressing and processing feelings.
And so, although it was a rocky start to 2019 it really turned around in the best way and gave me a lot of optimism for the future.